Hope and a Broken Heart.

I haven't posted anything since coming home from China, mainly because I don't even know where to begin. So much has changed in so little time that it's just like a whirlwind came and carried me away to the here and now.

Tonight, though, I just have to vent.

When I was in China, I was able to say with 100% certainty that I watched two miracles happen before me. Children who never should have survived, who were medically given up on and were literally hours from death, received the very things we prayed so much for every morning. Seeing such things as these happen firsthand, it really proved a lot to me about hope and the power of prayer and miracles.

I never thought that tonight I would be praying for another miracle.

Every morning in China, we all gathered in the backyard and had a group prayer meeting, going over a list of people and situations that needed prayer. One day in particular I was tasked with praying for Lena, one of the heart babies that I had grown fond of in the few days we had been there. There was no "particular" reason that Lena needed prayer, for a heart baby she was pretty healthy- her only problem was a small infection on her toe. I never imagined that I would be a sloppy, snotty mess when I was done praying for her. I felt so burdened for her, and felt so much love coupled with sadness for her as I prayed...I still can't explain it other than to say that God took that moment to break my heart for what breaks His. From that moment I felt a sort of special "connection" with Lena. She was already the first baby I held while I was in China, now she was tugging army heart strings for no apparent reason. Even after I left, this little girl tugged at me ever so gently from time to time for no apparent reason other than the fact that I missed her.

Tonight she is tugging on my heart strings again, because now it is she who needs a miracle. Lena's heart is very sick, and her body is weak. For months her surgery has been postponed for various reasons, and today was supposed to be the day she underwent the risky procedure to fix her. Instead, today it was discovered that there will be no procedure. That Lena's heart and body are far too fragile for such a risk. For all intents and purposes it would seem like there is no hope for Lena.

The pessimist (or perhaps the realist) deep down inside me wants to agree that perhaps there is nothing more that can be done. But my soul says that there is hope. My heart tells me to remember the days I spent in tears asking for a miracle for Alea, or in fervent prayer when it seemed all hope was lost for Maya. Look at the work that God did in those situations. He showed us all that the only real hope lies in Him, and Him alone.

Despite the fact that it looks like there is only sorrow ahead, I am comforted in knowing that there IS hope for Lena. I believe that if it is God's will, her heart will be healed in a way that will defy all earthly medical understanding.

I will not give up hope. I will not give up on Lena's miracle.