Good, Bad, Crazy.

Well the good news is, we officially have our photographers for our wedding next June! So excited. They are WONDERFUL artists, and even more wonderful people. It's crazy how everything about them matched to the tiniest detail of what we were looking for in photographers. I'd like to take this as a sign that things will work out this time. Fingers crossed and praying hard.

The bad news is, well...there's not really much "bad" news. Just...crazy circumstances. I'll never understand some people. I'll never understand the need to create problems and discomfort where neither existed before. Unfortunately, this wouldn't be the first time this has happened with a certain individual. But I can guarantee that it will be the last time. I've taken and taken and taken from these people without saying anything for the past four years. I've watched this one particular person lie and cheat and manipulate in the worst ways to get what they want. I'm not going to stand by and take anymore without sticking up for myself and for us.  

Of course, I want to do so in a way that is as kind as possible, but I'm afraid that things may not end on a nice note. If that happens, so be it. All I can do is ask forgiveness.

Things are interesting lately, obviously. 

Sigh. 

Just another day in the life.

Inside.

You're in there.

You never left.

You won't ever leave.

I think that's part of why this hurts so badly.


I wish your story didn't include this chapter. I wish you could have lived happier ever after.

I wish I had the chance to say thank you. It's my biggest regret in life. I guess that's why I make sure I say it too often, almost. I cherish you. I cherish my time with you. I hope you love me the way I love you.

I would do anything to break this spell. To reconnect the circuit. To fix what is broken. To find a cure to this terrible horrible, AWFUL thing that has taken your spunk and your dignity. I would give you anything you needed to make this stop. To reverse it so that you would wake up and be okay. I love you so much. Nothing makes me happier than to see you happy. I always want you to be happy.

I love you nana.

What Has Been, What Will Be.

In 2012 I:

Got engaged to my soulmate.
Got confirmed in the Episcopal Church two days later.
Went to China and had my life completely changed forever!
Interned for the second time for my favorite youth group in the whole wide world.
Landed my first big girl job as a children and youth minister because of said internship.
Made wonderful, precious new friends that I cherish.
Began working at a great church, with a great boss, and surrounded by a loving congregation.

Oh, and then somewhere along the way I gained 20 pounds. Woops.


In 2013 I:

Will lose that 20 pounds (plus 10 more).
Go back to school (in a week!) and graduate college this year with God's help.
God willing, marry my best friend.
Have many experiences that I have yet to know about.
Cherish the time I have with my family and friends.
Pray more.
Learn more about the God I serve.
Be a better example as a Christian and as a role model for young people.
Try to be more patient.
Love unconditionally.


2013...bring it on. God, walk with me during this next year and help me grow in you and for you. Keep my family and friends healthy and safe. Let me find the confidence and motivation to accomplish any and everything you lay before me. Help me to be a strong and effective leader. Show me your will for my life, and help me make important decisions in ways that will glorify you. Give favor and blessings to Lawrence as he finishes school with me and tries to find a good job that will help support us so that we may get married this year. Please, let this be a good year.

I am so hopeful for this year, and all that lays ahead. I am so THANKFUL for what has been in 2012. It was a life-shaping year, for sure. Thank you, Father. All honor and glory is to You, and You alone.

Time Flies.

I can't believe that it has seriously been 8 months since I was in China. This time last year I had just recently found out that I had been accepted to go on the trip. I was full of anticipation and nerves. Today, a year later, I'm full of love, awe, and to be honest, a little bit of heartbreak. You see, when we left the foster home I'm pretty sure that part of my heart was ripped out as we drove away. It stayed there as I flew home.

I miss my time with those babies. With the nannies. With Hannah and the sweet staff that work so hard and pray even harder for these precious little lives.

I witnessed true miracles while I was there. Things that I will never forget, and never stop praising God for. Oh, how it fills my heart with joy just to be reminded of the great works He did while we were there.

How I wish I was back there...How I wish I could just touch their little faces, little hands. I would give anything to smell like baby again, and have formula stains all over my clothes. To feel the immense heat of little tiny bodies sleeping soundly in my arms. To hear the laughter that a simple game of peek-a-boo elicits.

I miss Colton and Levi screaming "WO BU YAO TOM!" while I had to physically carry them away from the beagle that stared so sappily at us, wondering what on earth he had done.

I miss Josiah reaching for me yelling in his language for me to pick him up, even though he was so heavy I couldn't manage for very long. :)

I miss Lena's beautiful eyes, and her smile when we played every afternoon.

Most of all, I miss my chunky Michael. What I would give for a few more moments with him. That little one stole my heart in a way I never thought possible. I would do anything to bring him home. I wish with every fiber of my being that it wasn't impossible. I miss him so much it hurts.

It's completely selfish of me to say, but I'm sure I will cry when the day comes that he is matched with a family that isn't mine. Of course I will be thrilled for him, but I will miss always wonder about him. I will always love my little chunk.


I wish I could go back and bring Lawrence with me so he could experience the wonder and the beauty of God's love for the orphan. Adoption has always been part of our plan, but it was never made more concrete with me than when I was in China. I want him to see what I saw, and feel what I continue to feel. There is nothing so beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Maybe someday I can go back. One day we will go, I'm sure. And when we do, we will be bringing home our baby.


How I long for that day.

A Greater Calling.

When people you love and respect turn out to not be the people you think they are, what do you do?


I had a professor at Lee who always told us not to put too much faith in our mentors, because if they fall, we have a big chance of falling with them.

My mentor has fallen.

But I won't fall.


Of course with these revelations coming to light, I've questioned myself. But in the end, not only do I have faith in my own abilities, but above all I have faith in the God that put me on this path. I have faith that I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't His will. It wasn't my mentor who put me here, it wasn't me who put myself here. It wasn't even my plan to be in ministry. It was, however, in God's plan for me. Therefore, all of my faith is in Him.

I'm not doing this for recognition, or glory, or for self-importance. I do what I do because I was called to do it. Because it's something greater than me. Its the chance to give a gift to a child that will not only change his or her life, but save that life in the end. To help a child know Christ...there is no greater calling for me.

I pray for my mentor, a person who despite his flaws, has taught me a lot about ministry and given me so much of the experience and confidence I have today. I pray that the spark re-ignites for him. That the fog that clouds his path lifts, so that he can see once again that what he is doing is so much more than just a paycheck.

Haunted.

It's 3 AM.

I should be asleep.

I want to be asleep, actually. But instead my mind has somehow slipped back into that dark place that it hasn't been in almost nine years. That dark chasm that is only opened when there is an unbearable wound causing what was once stable ground to falter and give way.

This is a feeling I haven't felt since I suffered the greatest loss of my life thusfar. It was a loss that was unexpected. Unprepared for. Unwarranted.

Tonight I feel that same loss for people I don't even know. I look at my clock and imagine those 20 little souls sleeping soundly in their beds, never expecting that in six short hours they would be

...I can't even type it.

Oh, God. Why. Why did this happen, why was it allowed to happen. Oh, how my heart hurts. Why am I so burdened by this? Why? Why can't I be one of those people that acknowledges the tragedy of this situation and then goes on? What is different about THIS story that I just can't forget? Why have the faces of those children and adults not left my mind for seven days? I wish I had never seen them. I wish I didn't have to know who they were. I would give anything to give them back to their families.

Oh, how I would do anything to make December 14 not happen.

They say that when you have a child, you instantly love them like nothing else in the world. funny thing is, I'm not even a parent. I don't even know what it's like to love my own child. The closest thing I have is a dog. If I am so haunted by these little faces that I didn't even know, i'm almost afraid to have my own child one day.

I'm afraid to love something that much.

Oh, Father, as we near the daylight hours of this dark day please hold every family affected by this tragedy tightly. Weep with them, and bring them comfort. It is only You who can heal their wounds.


What I would do to bring them back.

End of the World.

...Funny joke! Did anyone ACTUALLY believe it was going to be the end of the world today? Doubtful.

Anyway...
I need to get better at blogging.

Things are happier than they were the last time I blogged, where some of China babies are concerned. Lena is still here, and doing well. My heart sings. Our Christmas boxes are sent, and although only one has arrived so far, I am hopeful that the other three will show up and didn't get lost on the way to China. :\
I am sad that sweet Alan, one of the babies we were sponsoring for Christmas, passed away suddenly at the beginning of this month. As heartbroken as I am that that sweet little face is not going to be here on this earth anymore, I am so happy to know he has a true home now. He IS Home. And what a glorious home it is. God just needed another angel to help with Christmas this year.

Of course, with all the tragic happenings of the past week, He must have needed a lot of angels this Christmas. Please join me in praying for the Sandy Hook families. They need our prayers and our love so, so much as they navigate the dark and terrible road of tragedy.

 Father, please wrap Your loving arms around every person touched by these horrific events. Help ALL of us find peace in the aftermath. Walk with them as they start this journey to find a "new normal", and comfort them when they cry out for You. Lord, only You know why this horrific act took place. I take comfort knowing these little ones are safe with You, now free of all of the pain and ugliness of this world, but I weep for those who have been left behind. I ask for guidance and peace that only You can provide, Lord.

Oh, how it breaks my heart that there is so much pain in this world. That this time one week ago those twenty babies were sound asleep in their beds. Oh, how I cry for them.

It is times like that that make me wish that God hadn't given me such a heart for children. I haven't slept soundly since last Friday. I had to fight to keep myself from grabbing all of my Sunday School children and covering them in snuggles and kisses last Sunday. I can't even fathom something happening to one of my little ones in my class. I wept so hard during the Eucharistic prayer that I could barely take communion. And still, I know that as much as I am affected here in Tennessee, it is NOTHING compared to what the community of Newtown is feeling. Lord, hear their cries.

On another, happier note, today is Lawrence's birthday. We're officially the same age again. He caught up! For eight more months I will not be the "older woman" anymore. ;] I can't wait to celebrate his birthday with my family, especially since last year on his birthday we were in the ER while he was getting diagnosed with pneumonia! I pray that his next birthday will be his first as my husband. The plans are made, but only God knows whether our best laid plans will hold true. I pray that they do, but I keep reminding myself that God's timing is perfect, and mine is not. (Even though most of the time I think it is! :P)

I am especially excited that he will be joining my mom and I for Christmas Eve services at work. I'm even MORE excited that not only will this will be the first sermon I will have heard since I started there in September, but also the first sermon I will have heard Jon give! How fitting that it will be on the eve of the most beautiful day of the year. I love my job, I love the people I work with, and above all I love that God chose to use little old ME to do His work. An honor and privilege unmatched by anything else.

Well, blog. I think it's time to go to bed. Hopefully I'll remember to blog some more another time. Ya know, since the world didn't end and all. :P