Haunted.

It's 3 AM.

I should be asleep.

I want to be asleep, actually. But instead my mind has somehow slipped back into that dark place that it hasn't been in almost nine years. That dark chasm that is only opened when there is an unbearable wound causing what was once stable ground to falter and give way.

This is a feeling I haven't felt since I suffered the greatest loss of my life thusfar. It was a loss that was unexpected. Unprepared for. Unwarranted.

Tonight I feel that same loss for people I don't even know. I look at my clock and imagine those 20 little souls sleeping soundly in their beds, never expecting that in six short hours they would be

...I can't even type it.

Oh, God. Why. Why did this happen, why was it allowed to happen. Oh, how my heart hurts. Why am I so burdened by this? Why? Why can't I be one of those people that acknowledges the tragedy of this situation and then goes on? What is different about THIS story that I just can't forget? Why have the faces of those children and adults not left my mind for seven days? I wish I had never seen them. I wish I didn't have to know who they were. I would give anything to give them back to their families.

Oh, how I would do anything to make December 14 not happen.

They say that when you have a child, you instantly love them like nothing else in the world. funny thing is, I'm not even a parent. I don't even know what it's like to love my own child. The closest thing I have is a dog. If I am so haunted by these little faces that I didn't even know, i'm almost afraid to have my own child one day.

I'm afraid to love something that much.

Oh, Father, as we near the daylight hours of this dark day please hold every family affected by this tragedy tightly. Weep with them, and bring them comfort. It is only You who can heal their wounds.


What I would do to bring them back.